La Revedere, Moldova.

So, it's been quite some time since I articulated anything on my blog. There have been several reasons for that. Tonight, I don't really know the words to type but I feel that I can't let this night pass without airing my thoughts...if for no other reason for me to remember lessons I've learned this year. Tomorrow I will leave Moldova after calling it home for a year. To some people, a year is not a long time. In the grand scheme of things, they are right. A year comes and goes so quickly that sometimes it's hard to catch your breath. But for me, this year has felt like 10 years on one hand and like 10 minutes on the other.

To be honest, I am too tired and emotional (and nauseas) to write out my deepest feelings about this year. I'll save that for another day when I don't cry every 5 seconds and wonder if leaving is really the right thing to do. For now, I will just say a genuine thank You to my Creator for setting me apart for this unique and beautifully designed year. There were many struggles and challenges but still more joys. There were dog bites and rabies treatments, but still more meetings with friends. There were crowded rutieras and trolleybuses, but still more days in the park. There were drunk men and dark places, but still more smiles. There were falls on ice in the road, but still more hot tea and hot chocolate shared with family. There were countless hours of frustration and feeling lost about Romanian, but the patience and translating from friends still outnumbered them. There were thousands of tears shed, but millions of laughs had.

I have a family here and this year Moldova truly became like home to me. It literally makes my heart hurt to say goodbye to the people and the place that God has used time and time again to change my heart and to see Him clearer. For now, I'll just enjoy one last night's sleep in my bed and say goodnight one last time to the fish who have become like my kids!

The Battle I Am Losing

Just to warn: this is one of those 'real' and 'vulnerable' posts. If you want, proceed.

Some people are blessed with the ability to learn languages quickly and with minimal effort. Others are not. I definitely fall into the latter category...to the point where I just feel stupid. Many people ask me what the biggest challenge is about serving overseas and without hesitation I say 'seeing your ministry and presence as effective and needed without being able to communicate with people on a heart level' (or in my case, without being able to communicate with people on a surface level!). During the first half of my year here in Moldova I had a high level of grace for myself. I knew that I would not understand the language in one day or with one lesson. I didn't have the expectation that I would quickly become fluent, but tried to keep my expectations realistic. Sure, there were major struggles and battles, and I found myself in some pretty uncomfortable situations, but in the back of my mind I still justified that one day the language would make sense. I thought for sure that by the end of the year I would be speaking.

You would think that after 9 months I would be able to have at least a basic conversation or understand a basic conversation. Sadly, this is not the case. For 7 weeks this summer I had American people living with me so I found myself immersed back into English. I didn't realize the effect it had on me until after everyone was gone and, again, it was just me trying to survive alone in a place where I can't speak or understand. To me there is a difference in knowing the survival phrases (i.e. "I don't understand," "My name is," "Thank You," "Please," etc.) and conversing with someone. I love to listen. I love to talk. I love to learn about people. A language barrier obviously prohibits this. And it really hurts my heart.

One day last week I reached a point where I just let the enemy win. I was with a group of friends and we were having a great time. During the course of the night I could feel my attitude shifting from bubbly/happy to irritated/isolated. At first I didn't think much about it...I thought I was just getting tired. Then it hit me. After being the cause of having to restart a game because I didn't understand and messed it up, and after listening to everyone laugh at jokes that I couldn't understand I just wanted to crawl under a rock and scream. Not because I was mad at my friends, but because I was mad at myself. At church recently I found myself so bitter because I so desperately wanted/needed to sing and worship in English because I wanted that connection. I just wanted to understand the words that God had impressed upon the pastor. And again, lost.

-Let me pause and say that I am vastly and eternally grateful for those who serve by translating at any time for me. Because of you I haven't completely lost my mind :) If you are one of those people and you are reading this, my intention is not to make you feel like you are not good or effective. Trust me, you are both wonderful and treasured. Thank you. I understand that it is a sacrifice and I do not take you for granted.-

All week I have felt so alienated, insecure, and alone. I have been questioning the point of being here and if anything at all that I have been doing has been effective. Then, God reminded me of a similar fear I had 7 years ago before I came to Moldova for the first time. I remember praying "But God, how can we be effective if we can't speak the language?" He faithfully showed me Exodus 4:11-12. Moses is saying to God that he is not eloquent in his speech and that surely there is someone better to do the job God is asking him to do. God's response: "Who made man's mouth?....Is it not I, the Lord? Now go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you should speak." The command here is to go, or to be obedient to his call. God had already equipped him for greatness, but He would continue teaching him and guiding him...at the right time. God has also spoken to me through the story of Gideon in Judges 6 recently. When the angel appears to him and tells him that God has chosen him to save Israel, Gideon has trouble believing this. His circumstances tempted him to take His eyes off the promises of God. I love what the angel says back to him. He says "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Is it not I [the Lord] that's sending you?" Gideon didn't need anything extra to complete his task. He just needed to be obedient. The strength he had was enough. God doesn't just provide what we lack, but he equips us entirely.

So yes, I still wish that I could understand and speak Romanian and/or Russian. Nothing would make me happier than connecting with people here on a deeper level, a heart level. But I have to trust that God will give me the words to say when I need to say them and the understanding when I need to understand. He's the same yesterday, today, and forever...faithful, sovereign, and loving.

I Thought I Knew...

Once upon a time, I was a worship leader in my church. Actually, it wasn't really that long ago but it feels like it was. Side note: I REALLY miss those days.

Today, I found an old email that I wrote to the other people on the worship team and it was something that I really needed to read today. Maybe that is why it was saved in my email! I wonder why I feel like I have to keep "re-learning" lessons.

From March 30, 2010:

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." - Colossians 2:6-7

I read this today and had a couple of thoughts. I hope this will encourage/challenge you as it is doing me. I thought about February 4, 1994. This was the day that I was baptized. Now, I don't know the exact date, but I know that I "accepted" Christ months earlier than this. When I look back on when I cognitively understood my need for redemption (as much as a 9 year old can!), I remember expressing genuine joy and thankfulness for Jesus. It was like I had just been saved from a scary monster...I used to think they would jump out of my closet and my dad would always check it for me...I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude and wanted nothing more than to talk about the man who saved me from the scary monster (aka my sin).

Growing up and now being an adult, I tend to lose that joy and thankfulness so easily. To do lists, schedules, work, bills, exercise, car pools, family, church, sports, performances, school, feelings of defeat, expectations of life. Not all of these things are bad, but they tend to suck joy right out of us when we let them and become overwhelmed by them (or allow them to become an idol.). When I read this verse I am challenged to remember my child-like faith and understand that foundation that was laid. I am lucky that both of my parents loved the Lord and I visibly saw how Christ changed their lives. I am blessed that I grew up in a church that taught the Bible. Maybe your experience was different. The point is, how do we continue to emit that same emotion, all the while growing on it, that we had when we first met Christ and repented of our sin?

When I pray for us as a team, I always pray that we would be filled and overflowing with the Holy Spirit. The only way to overflow is to be fed. So I ask, how is your quiet time? How is your relationship with Christ? There is no possible way that you or I can come to church on Sunday morning and lead overflowing with thankfulness if we have not been filling up during the week. Are you thankful for the righteousness of Christ that is made yours simply because of your faith in Him? Prove it! Spend time with Him, love Him, tell others about Him, worship Him, adore Him, glorify Him!

Disciples Making Disciples!

It's hard to believe that it's July already! Sorry for the blog neglect. I know you just wait anxiously for the riveting details of my life! :) I know that 'busy' is one of the most cliche words that we use to make excuses for not doing something but, alas, it is the truth. It's been a good busy though. Productive, challenging, and growth inducing....just what I need!

Something that I have really wanted to do in Moldova is go on a mission trip with Moldovan people. I contacted one of CCI's church planters and we organized a short trip for the girls that I've been teaching. I am a firm believer in the local church reaching the local people and it was a joy and privilege to watch these girls take what we've been studying in Scripture and "put it into practice."

Eight of us journeyed to Cornesti, a small town/village about 2 hours outside of Chisinau. If you know me, you know I have a strong tendency to be completely type A...to do lists, schedules, itineraries, goals, outlines, etc...this is the language I speak well. Any cross cultural missionary will testify to the fact that flexibility is the first point on the job description. I tried to drill that concept into the girls. There were certainly times when we needed to change our schedule at the last minute and times when we just completely omitted what was scheduled. I was so impressed and proud of each of these girls at how they quickly adapted and modified our plans without any complaints or questions.

Our major goal was to work alongside one local church in Cornesti and basically assist/encourage them in their work. They have a wonderful street kids ministry and we were able to help with that. One young woman in the church leads this ministry and she is incredible. She organizes and runs a program every afternoon where the kids can come and hear Biblical teaching, play games, sing songs, and be uplifted by the compassion and generosity of the church. As you can imagine, most of these kids have little to no adult supervision and guidance apart from the church. It can be a real challenge to gain the respect of these kids. But, God has truly gifted Ana with the ability to reach out and touch these kids on a heart level. They really seem to respect, listen to, and appreciate her. As do I.

Our second day in Cornesti was the most challenging, emotionally speaking. We went to the home of 5 children who now live alone after both parents and their oldest sibling left them. The oldest in the house is a 15 year old boy who has assumed responsibility for his four younger siblings, the youngest being 3. The church assists this family as they can with food, cleaning, etc. When we arrived we were greeted by little smiling faces who would not let us in until they finished "cleaning" for us. They wanted their home to be as presentable as possible. We split up and several girls started cleaning the kitchen and the rest of us gathered water from the well and began washing clothes. It was seriously both a humbling and gratifying experience.

For me, I was really struck by two of the children in particular. One was the 6 year old boy. When I went in the house he was 'washing' dishes...aka scraping a bowl in water with his fingernails. I also witnessed him sweeping the floor and taking a large bag of trash out behind the house. I thought about my nephew, Jack. He is only one year younger than this boy. Jack has two parents who are crazy about him and who will do anything to make sure he is loved and provided for. Pavlusa does not have this luxury. Jack likes to help his mom wash the dishes and says "yes mam" when his mom asks him to put something in the trash can for her. Pavlusa does not have a choice. If he wants a clean dish he must wash it himself. There was also a girl who reminded me of me when I was her age. I had the same bowl haircut! Every time I would look at her she had this huge smile on her face. I thought about my life at that stage. I was making home videos, dressing up in my sisters' dance clothes, and playing outside with my friends...all under the security that I would be called to come inside when it was too dark. Why? Because I was blessed with loving, involved parents. How drastically different my life was from this sweet girl and her siblings. I'm not saying that my life or my nephew's life was/is better. It's just one of those situations when you wrestle with God and ask "Why did you choose to bless me in this way?"

All of the girls have said how much they really enjoyed this trip. For some of them, this was the first 'mission trip' they have ever been on. I loved watching the love of Jesus radiate from each of them! My hope is that this attitude of compassion and love will continue and that the Gospel will continue to compel them (and me) to "make disciples of ALL nations."

Pavlusa shows off his beautifully colored craft!

Four of the five siblings that we visited saying goodbye to us.

Lucian is quite a talented musician! So cute.

Natasha and Ana cleaning the kitchen at the kids' house.

Our wonderful team. Such a joy to serve with these ladies!

What Constitutes Success?

I will eventually post about the amazing vacation I was able to have last week, but something else takes priority. Like any job, the "job" of a vocational missionary has its ups and downs. I'm learning more than ever that life on the mission field is one giant roller coaster. I'm grateful for the constant that is the Holy Spirit leading, protecting and guiding. Without Him I'm pretty sure I would have jumped ship at the first sign of trouble!

People have this misconception that missionaries have this quota of souls to save, like if we go on the field, lead 100 people to Christ, then our job is done and we can come on home and pass the torch to the next person. People back home read the newsletter looking for numbers and tangible accomplishments. I've learned quickly (as I do monthly newsletters) that some months it's hard to fill the pages with "success" stories. Success stories take time to achieve.

That being said, one ministry that God has graciously allowed me to establish is through the English and Romanian language. When I was preparing to come to Moldova I knew I was coming to work with CCI and with LRC, my church. I wanted to take a few Romanian lessons so that I could communicate better with the girls I would be teaching the Bible to each week. I never imagined that my Romanian lessons would eventually turn into developing a close friendship with my teacher, becoming the facilitator of an English club for Moldovan people, leading the music class at a summer English camp, and having private English tutoring sessions for a few individuals. I love how God has broadened His ministry for me here in Moldova!

Yesterday was a mark of success! I have been working with George, a young man who is applying for a training program through the embassy to spend 8 months in the US. He must complete an interview with the embassy in order to attain a visa. When I met him the only English he knew was the memorized answers to the embassy questions. If I would ask the same question another way, he would not understand what I was saying. We met a few times for about a month and then he had his interview. He did not get approved for the visa based on his English. Later he received a phone call from the embassy saying that they were going to give him another chance. We worked harder and harder to improve his English, but it was the same story over and over again. He only knew enough English to answer the scripted questions. I met with him the week I left for the cruise and he had improved a little. He was understanding more and could speak more complex sentences. Still, it was obvious that he had a long way to go. This week I got a call from Elena, my Romanian teacher, saying that George's 2nd interview was going to be this week and wanted to know if I could "interview" him one more time. We met and I can't even describe how much George had improved. In just one short week he was able to answer all of the questions I asked him, even those I made up that weren't on the page! He could answer without thinking about it and his answers didn't sound scripted. I could not believe it!!! I kept looking at Elena with my jaw wide open. At the end of our time I jumped out of my seat and gave him a high five. It was like night and day, such a difference. George had his interview today. I don't know the results, but whether he is accepted or not doesn't matter to me. I know how hard he worked and how God blessed his labor and mine as well. What a privilege it's been working with him. So, I count this as a success. No, I did not lead him into a relationship with the Lord, but I know that the Spirit works through our obedience. This has been such a cool way to minister to the people of Moldova who I would have never met on my own!

Not only that happened yesterday, but also another huge answer to prayer. One day I was having lunch with a friend and she opened up to me about some problems she is having and concerns about different situations she is facing in her marriage. I loved that she was so honest and open with me but was also very nervous about responding to her as the topics we were discussing were pretty far from my realm of knowledge and experience. I kept praying as she was speaking that the Spirit would give me wisdom to counsel in the most appropriate and relevant way, biblically and culturally. I felt like I was stumbling over my words as I was trying to be sensitive to her but at the same time speaking truth. At the end of the conversation I felt like I had just confused the mess out of her...and myself! I prayed with and over her and we parted ways. Well, she sent me a text later that night saying that she and her husband had a huge talk and that the result was really good. I was so glad about that and continued to pray for them. Yesterday I asked her about her marriage and she said that things are so much better. She said that she knows God placed me in her path that day for that particular reason, to speak truth to her. That night her husband approached her out of the blue and initiated a talk with her, something that never happens. They were able to discuss the major issues they are facing and learned so much about the other operates. She told me that she believes my prayer worked! So, I count this as a success.

I'm so grateful that God had much bigger plans in store for me than what I was planning for/expecting!