Giving Thanks...

As I approach this Thanksgiving I am finding that I have a lot of different feelings than I've had in years past. Last Thanksgiving I can't honestly say I was thankful for very much. I should have been. I was blessed just like I am now. But, it was hard to say Thank You God for everything that was going on in my life. I had just moved to North Augusta, just started a new job in a new field, just started a new church, and basically was the most ungrateful person I've ever seen. A lot....let me emphasize...A LOT has happened over the last year. I've experienced things that I have never wanted to experience. But, I see where God has been and is continuing to grow me and challenge me. For that, I am forever grateful. I feel like I am (somewhat, although I have such a long way to go) finally starting to figure out the woman God wants me to be. The things about myself that have been exposed in this last year are hurtful, but so very necessary to learn so I can grow. But, honestly, this is not the reason why I am writing this blog! Haha!

I was thinking last night and this morning about my dad. I was thinking about how much I really do miss him and wish he would be sitting at the Thanksgiving table with our family. There are still times (many times) when I ask questions. I still wonder why I can't have my dad here with me. A lot of people just do not understand how much it can still hurt after years and years. But, this morning as I was drying my hair I was actually thanking God for 16 years with the greatest dad ever. I was remembering things about him that make me smile. Things like:

• How every Valentines Day that I can remember when he was alive, I would wake up on that morning and have a stuffed animal or candy or some kind of present from him with a sweet card saying how much he loved me.
  
• How he would drive me to school and we would both sing awful country songs. He really couldn't sing at all!
• How I would fake sick at school (A LOT!) and the nurse would let me call my dad. He would always come get me. (And, I think he knew a lot of times I was faking. I've never really been a good faker!) He would take me back to work with him and then take me to Bojangles and get me a biscuit and chocolate milk. Or, he would take me later to Zestos and get me ice cream. He would let me play solitaire on his computer while he worked. And, sometimes he would lay out blankets in his office for me to lay on.
• How he was at every softball game I can remember playing in.
  
• How he would come and eat breakfast with me at school.
• How he told me when I was in 8th grade that he would send me to college wherever I wanted to go. He would find a way to pay for it.
  
• How he looked at me on Sunday while I was singing in the choir at church. It was a different look than I had ever seen before. He died on Tuesday. Side note: it's crazy how 2 days after I am praising and worshiping Jesus, I am cursing him with everything I have and denying that He is good.
• How he encouraged me to be in Joyful Sound starting when I was in 8th grade.
• How he would swim in my kiddie pool with me and act like an idiot to make me laugh.
• How he never forgot to tell me he loved me.
  
• How he wanted me to go on trips with him when he drove his truck because he loved spending time with me.
• How he would give me an allowance, but would always give me more if I asked for it.
• How he loved my mom and my sisters.
  
• How he told me that I would never be allowed to move out of the house. When I got married, we would have to live in his basement.
• How he was always at my band and chorus concerts.
• How he still loved me in spite of how awful I was to him during the early teen years.
• How he would sit on my stomach when I would have "cramps" because it made me feel better to have pressure there. (It works, I promise!)
• How I would lay on his back while he was laying on the bed watching tv and watch it with him.
  
• How he forced me one time to watch wrestling...against my will...and then I was hooked and became obsessed with it.
• How he would take me out in the backyard and play softball with me.
• How after I got stung by a jellyfish (which was his fault!) he took care of me.
• How I watched him and my mom throw out any and all alcohol in the house because the Holy Spirit convicted them and they obeyed.
  
• How he loved Jesus and told others about Him.
• How he had some kind of speaker thing in his truck and when he would drop me off at school, he would always say "bye baby, daddy loves you" and EVERYONE could hear it! I was so embarrassed, but now I would give anything for people to hear him say it.
  
• How he named his trucking company after his family. 4 M'S Trucking (stands for Mike, Mary, Marcy, Michelle, and Sandra).
  
• How I had the best dad in the world.
  

So yes, I am beyond grateful for all of these moment and all of the years that I did have with him. Of course, I wish I could go back and change things but that's not how this life works. I hope he can see me now. I hope he was at my high school and my college graduation. I hope he came to some Joyful Sound concerts. I hope he knows my passion for Moldova and the people there. I hope he is proud of his daughter.

This Thanksgiving and every day before and after, I am thankful for Michael Ard, my dad. I love you. I miss you. And, I can't wait to see you again.

Oh PS....my mom is awesome too! :)

YELLOW...Not Coldplay although that is a great song!

I changed the layout of this blog. I figured it was time! haha.

I have two theories about the picture I have chosen to represent my blog. I took this picture in 2007 while I was in Moldova. I just saw some pretty flowers on the ground and wanted to snap a picture. It wasn't until I looked at the picture on my computer that made me really think about it, and I saw so much more than just pretty flowers. One way I see this picture is the orange flowers representing unbelievers and the yellow representing true believers. One small glance at the picture and anyone can see that the orange vastly out measure the yellow; quite like how our world is today with those who do not believe in Jesus outnumbering those of us who do. When I look at this picture and think about each flower representing a life, I see so many lost people who are not living in the freedom that I am so fortunate to live in. I see people who will die and go to hell unless they hear, see, and believe in the one and only Savior. This is a challenge to us to claim to love Christ and want to see people come to know Him. We have a hard task set before us. As you can see in the picture, the yellow has much territory to cover and many lives to reach. Every yellow flower counts! Because we are smaller in number, we must make it a priority to take our call to reach the nations seriously. I don't, by any means, take away from the power of the Holy Spirit because it is Him, in fact, that saves. This is just a visual way for me to see and remember what my calling is.

Another way I see this picture is every flower representing believers. The small yellow clump represents those who are taking initiative to get out of comfort zones and react on the call that God has given. Sadly, I hear and read of hundreds and thousands of "Christians" turning away from their faith because "living the Christian life is just too hard, or it's not worth the persecution, or I can't do what I want to, or it's not exciting enough." It frustrates me to hear of churches dying because people simply are not willing to be obedient to God's call. This small group of yellow does not care about anything but seeing lost people come to Christ. This group desires to see God's Kingdom grow and stops at nothing to be obedient. In this group are many types of people. I heard a story the other night about a surgeon who before performing any type of surgery will go see his patient and flat out ask them if they are certain of their eternity, in case something were to happen or go wrong. He doesn't do this to scare his patients or their families, but this is a man who is using his "secular" vocation as his ministry and is being obedient to the call to love Christ by loving others. There are way too many of us "Christians" sitting by and passing off our jobs to ministers, missionaries, church staff members, and other people in vocational ministry simply because we are too lazy and too content with our selfishness to even care to see the needs of others. It saddens me that that yellow group of believers is so small. Even worse, we like to criticize and bad mouth those who are in that minority because most of the time the way they reach people for Christ is not the same way that "we" would do it. My prayer is that I would surround myself with yellow flowers and that God would continue instilling this passion in me to see dying people come to know Him!

I am reading through Acts right now and Paul is straight messing me up! His determination and passion is so evident that it leaps off each page as I read about him and his journey with Christ. In the midst of physical and emotional hurt and scars, he never loses sight of the goal. He never backs down and surrenders. No, he continues to preach and proclaim the name of Christ! God, may I continue developing those qualities. Continue convicting me until every selfish piece of crap thought is replaced by thoughts of how I can better serve You.

Ok. My sermon is over. All this emotion from a picture of flowers!!

In other news, I have officially lived in North Augusta for one year. It's really strange to look at myself and see the changes that I've had to make in a year. Some days I really don't even know who I'm looking at the in the mirror. In some ways, I wish I could say that I'm the same person I was but there's no way I can. I know life moves forward. It doesn't stay the same. On the flip side, there are changes about myself that have been very welcomed. Positive changes that force a hurtful trip through the fire to be refined. To be honest, I NEVER thought that I would make it here a year. I NEVER thought I would be ok if I had to re-sign my lease for another year here. I won't lie: it's hard to love North Augusta. But Christ loves me. And, His Word is clear when it says that the greatest commandment of all is to love one another. So, I guess I don't have much choice in the matter!

I am really missing my family and friends today. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and love you. Also, I have completely been sucked in to the Twilight books. I am about half way through the 4th one now. It's much safer to read about true love or watch it in a movie (i know, i know...it's Hollywood and it's not real. Got it!). Blast my hard heart! So, it's time to get ready to go roller skating! woo hoo! Another thing I'm quite passionate about!

In closing, I just ask what color flower are you?