This song is on repeat. Beautiful. I have too many emotions to capture here. In fact, I don't really have the words to express how I am right now. When I heard this song it made sense. I long to be in the presence of Christ. It's there and only there that I find this peace I'm so desperately needing.
Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free
Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…
Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
25 January 2011
22 January 2011
The Week I Never Want to Repeat
I think it's a sad misconception that just because someone is a Christian that automatically means they are happy all the time. I hope that anyone reading this blog does not have that expectation of me. There is a difference in being joyful and being happy. Because I am in Christ, I have joy that can't be explained. Joy that produces peace in the midst of struggle and trial. Joy that produces praise and adoration while also suffering pain. But, I am not always happy. This week was a struggle for me to be happy. And, I only want to document it because it is a testimony to the grace and the goodness of God.
I have been in Moldova for 2 months now. Some would say that I should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. I thought so too. Well, lately I have come face to face with differences in my home culture and my new culture that have caused me to feel frustration, sadness, loneliness, and worthlessness. It's nothing that is life altering, but something that has affected me. Thankfully, God is giving me courage to speak when I need to speak and patience to wait when I need to wait. I am learning to discern better what is meant when something is said and when something is done.
One week ago I learned that my grandmother had a stroke. She didn't even have to go to the hospital so I thought that it was very mild and had no effect on her. Well, I found out on Monday that she had to be taken to the ER because her blood pressure was incredibly high and she was not herself. From there it was like a snowball effect. Her oxygen levels were low, she had an a-fib during the night, and the doctors found that she was aspirating in her lungs. Everyday I felt like it was harder and harder to breathe. I saw where all of my family was coming in from out of town to see her because she was not doing well at all and here I was...5000+ miles away. I could not function. My mind was consumed with wanting to be home and be by her side. I think I cried one day for a solid 4 hours without stopping. I lost all sense of focus and purpose for being here in Moldova. I was angry that God was going to take my grandma while I was gone. Nothing could comfort me. I looked for a plane ticket home and was ready to purchase. I was just waiting for the first person in my family to say "come home." But I did not hear those words. Every one in my family said the same thing. "You need to stay, Michelle. You have a purpose there. You are there to do great things. Stay." I could not talk to anyone outside of my family, with the exception being a friend who has recently experienced the same thing.
Wednesday evening rolled around and my sister told me that grandma had turned a corner and she had improved drastically. One thing that has never changed about my grandma is how much of a fighter she is. She is the strongest, most amazing 93 year old woman I've ever been privileged to know. The doctors were even saying that she would get to go home, provided nothing more happened. On Thursday she was released from the hospital. She must have speech therapy and physical therapy as the stroke greatly affected her speech and right side of the body. And, she still has to put thickening powder in her drink in order to make sure it goes to her stomach instead of her lungs. But she is home. And according to my family, she is slowly getting back to normal. Now, I'm breathing.
One of the greatest blessings during the week was being able to both see and talk to grandma everyday through my sister's itouch. If that wasn't working I could call for free through my gmail to her hospital room. I'm not really able to describe my gratitude to God for allowing her to pull through and share more days of life with us here. I don't know how many she has left, but I pray that I will be able to see her again when I return to the States. One thing that I was reminded of through Scripture and prayer this week is that everything about this life is temporary and that if we are in Christ, we have a greater purpose than just to survive. We are commanded to be part of the mission of God. It was incredibly hard but I meditated on Luke 9:62 this week. "Jesus said to him, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'" When we accept the call to follow Christ we agree to move forward and sacrifice the things of this life that are temporary. The hard, yet true, reality is that my grandmother does not belong to me. If God chooses to bring her into His presence, not only can he do it, but he has the right to do it. It's lessons like this that only seem to make sense to me when I'm in the fire. I'm grateful, however, for the Teacher.
So, some of you have prayed for something this week for me. Maybe you were not sure what you were praying for, but this was it. I just could not bring myself to lay it all out there on facebook or through an email to my supporters. I'm sorry for that. But I continue to be encouraged and exceedingly grateful for your prayers and involvement in my life. I hope that I will never have a week like this again, but when I read Scripture I'm told that there will not only be weeks like this one, but seasons. I pray that God will continue equipping, molding, and preparing me to face times like this with integrity, honor, and grace.
By the way, this picture was taken of my grandma during speech therapy in the hospital. It's now the desktop background on my computer :) I just love this woman!
I have been in Moldova for 2 months now. Some would say that I should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. I thought so too. Well, lately I have come face to face with differences in my home culture and my new culture that have caused me to feel frustration, sadness, loneliness, and worthlessness. It's nothing that is life altering, but something that has affected me. Thankfully, God is giving me courage to speak when I need to speak and patience to wait when I need to wait. I am learning to discern better what is meant when something is said and when something is done.
One week ago I learned that my grandmother had a stroke. She didn't even have to go to the hospital so I thought that it was very mild and had no effect on her. Well, I found out on Monday that she had to be taken to the ER because her blood pressure was incredibly high and she was not herself. From there it was like a snowball effect. Her oxygen levels were low, she had an a-fib during the night, and the doctors found that she was aspirating in her lungs. Everyday I felt like it was harder and harder to breathe. I saw where all of my family was coming in from out of town to see her because she was not doing well at all and here I was...5000+ miles away. I could not function. My mind was consumed with wanting to be home and be by her side. I think I cried one day for a solid 4 hours without stopping. I lost all sense of focus and purpose for being here in Moldova. I was angry that God was going to take my grandma while I was gone. Nothing could comfort me. I looked for a plane ticket home and was ready to purchase. I was just waiting for the first person in my family to say "come home." But I did not hear those words. Every one in my family said the same thing. "You need to stay, Michelle. You have a purpose there. You are there to do great things. Stay." I could not talk to anyone outside of my family, with the exception being a friend who has recently experienced the same thing.
Wednesday evening rolled around and my sister told me that grandma had turned a corner and she had improved drastically. One thing that has never changed about my grandma is how much of a fighter she is. She is the strongest, most amazing 93 year old woman I've ever been privileged to know. The doctors were even saying that she would get to go home, provided nothing more happened. On Thursday she was released from the hospital. She must have speech therapy and physical therapy as the stroke greatly affected her speech and right side of the body. And, she still has to put thickening powder in her drink in order to make sure it goes to her stomach instead of her lungs. But she is home. And according to my family, she is slowly getting back to normal. Now, I'm breathing.
One of the greatest blessings during the week was being able to both see and talk to grandma everyday through my sister's itouch. If that wasn't working I could call for free through my gmail to her hospital room. I'm not really able to describe my gratitude to God for allowing her to pull through and share more days of life with us here. I don't know how many she has left, but I pray that I will be able to see her again when I return to the States. One thing that I was reminded of through Scripture and prayer this week is that everything about this life is temporary and that if we are in Christ, we have a greater purpose than just to survive. We are commanded to be part of the mission of God. It was incredibly hard but I meditated on Luke 9:62 this week. "Jesus said to him, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'" When we accept the call to follow Christ we agree to move forward and sacrifice the things of this life that are temporary. The hard, yet true, reality is that my grandmother does not belong to me. If God chooses to bring her into His presence, not only can he do it, but he has the right to do it. It's lessons like this that only seem to make sense to me when I'm in the fire. I'm grateful, however, for the Teacher.
So, some of you have prayed for something this week for me. Maybe you were not sure what you were praying for, but this was it. I just could not bring myself to lay it all out there on facebook or through an email to my supporters. I'm sorry for that. But I continue to be encouraged and exceedingly grateful for your prayers and involvement in my life. I hope that I will never have a week like this again, but when I read Scripture I'm told that there will not only be weeks like this one, but seasons. I pray that God will continue equipping, molding, and preparing me to face times like this with integrity, honor, and grace.
By the way, this picture was taken of my grandma during speech therapy in the hospital. It's now the desktop background on my computer :) I just love this woman!
17 January 2011
I'm Different and I'm Ok With That!
I think one of the greatest compliments a Christian can receive is "there's something....eh....different about you!" I've been thinking about this after talking with a new friend here in Moldova. This person is not a follower of Christ. God has been giving me opportunities to share about Him and love on her and she has been very willing to listen. I have been feeling this urgency to pray multiple times daily for her salvation. Well, one day last week we were talking and she said "I really enjoy spending time with you. You are not like most people here in Moldova. You smile and you have a positive outlook on life. You're different. There is something different about you."
Normally when I describe someone as 'different' I am trying to politely say that they are very strange! So I was thinking about this in terms of how we, as Christians, are to carry the name of Christ. Given the fact that over half of the world's population does not know Jesus as their Savior allows me the right to say that being a Christian is not the norm. When people look at us they see one of two things: 1. they see us or 2. they see Jesus. The beauty for those who follow Christ is that "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." If we are in Christ, we are different! If we are in Christ, He is in us! If we are in Christ, when the world looks at us they see HIM! We seriously can't be so self-centered to think that we are any kind of good apart from Christ.
Christian, rejoice when you are labeled different! It's the most flattering and encouraging thing you will ever hear on this earth!
Normally when I describe someone as 'different' I am trying to politely say that they are very strange! So I was thinking about this in terms of how we, as Christians, are to carry the name of Christ. Given the fact that over half of the world's population does not know Jesus as their Savior allows me the right to say that being a Christian is not the norm. When people look at us they see one of two things: 1. they see us or 2. they see Jesus. The beauty for those who follow Christ is that "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." If we are in Christ, we are different! If we are in Christ, He is in us! If we are in Christ, when the world looks at us they see HIM! We seriously can't be so self-centered to think that we are any kind of good apart from Christ.
Christian, rejoice when you are labeled different! It's the most flattering and encouraging thing you will ever hear on this earth!
Bucharest!
Three weeks ago I woke up, showered, and went on my hour (sometimes plus) long trek to the office. It was a normal Monday. About two minutes before having to get off the rutiera at the office I received a text from Nelly saying that the office was closed. It was a holiday for everyone. Crap! I mean, yay! Not that I wasn't excited about a 'vacation day,' but I just wished that I would have known before making the trip. Oh well. I got to see Nelly anyway so it was a good day :)
Later that day, I found out that not only did we have that day off but that the office would be closed for the following two weeks. Well...awesome! An unplanned vacation. I can live with this. My teammate Rafael and I decided that we would take advantage of this time and take a quick trip to Bucharest, Romania and Sofia, Bulgaria. So, the following Tuesday (Jan. 4) we took a bus all night to Bucharest. Upon arriving (Wednesday morning) we would go and buy train tickets for Sofia. The plan was to spend Wed. in Bucharest, travel by train to Sofia Wed. night, arrive in Sofia Thursday morning, spend the day in Sofia, travel back to Bucharest Thursday night, then travel back to Chisinau Friday morning...all so that I could be back by Friday night to teach my Bible study.
Ok, so we get to Bucharest and then find out that there is no way to get to Sofia (or anywhere else for that matter) and be back in Chisinau by Friday. Well, that stinks for me. My trip turned into spending Wednesday in Bucharest then hopping on a train Wed. night to come back home while Rafael got to travel on to Budapest! Grr!! Then, when I got back home I found out that I had to cancel my Bible study anyway because most of the girls were gone. Hmmf! Oh well. Such is life.
Bucharest was amazing! I loved the city and everything that I saw there. At times I would think I was in London or Paris or something. We just walked around all day looking at all the buildings and everything we could possibly see in one day. The Parliament building was incredible. I have never seen anything so massive. The picture definitely doesn't do it justice. Also, as we were walking I saw a random sign for a HARD ROCK CAFE!! I was so excited! We sat in there for like an hour because 1. it was warm and 2. they were playing 80's and 90's English music videos! It was a very good day.
I've never traveled to another country over here except Moldova so I wasn't sure about the process at the border. Going to Bucharest we took a bus. The choice of entertainment was interesting. The driver put on some tv series that reminded me of a Russian version of 24 or something. It was on for the entire 9 hour ride. When we got to the border the control people came in and took all of our passports. We waited for about 30 minutes then got them back and went on our way. I couldn't believe how easy it was. Then I realized that was the Moldovan part. We went about 200 meters and then stopped again for the Romanian border control. They came and took our passports again and then we are all told that we have to get off the bus. For the next 3 hours they proceed to search every nook of that bus. Walls, seats, compartments, under the bus, the spare tire, everything! Did I mention that we arrived at the border about midnight?! I wasn't exactly a happy camper at this point but adventure is what I wanted.
Come back to Chisinau I took a train alone. It left Bucharest at 7pm and arrived in Chisinau a little after 9am the next day. Well, first of all, I had no idea how trains work! I asked someone to show me where I which car I was supposed to be on and they spouted off this incredibly fast Romanian and I just acted like I knew exactly what they were talking about. So, I get on a car that has a number one on it because, logically, my ticket said "car 1" on it. It also said "seat 61" so I go looking through all the rooms and just happen to spot one with a big 61 above it. The room had 6 seats in it and you could close the door to have privacy. I was praying that I would be alone in there but no such luck. This older man came in and I tried to start a conversation with him in Romanian but after using up my entire vocabulary in about 10 seconds, I was out of things to say. Awkward silence. After we left the station, a man (who looked just like Bellick from Prison Break) came to check our tickets. He looked at my ticket, looked at me, and said "Nu aici" (Not Here!). So I asked where I was supposed to go and he starts talking 1000 miles a minute and it sounds like he's yelling. The other man in the car with me tried to explain it with hand motions and all I gathered was that I was on the wrong car and at the first stop I would have to get off and get on the right one. So that happened and then I finally was led to my correct room. This room had 4 small beds in it and I was alone! Immediately I tried to go to sleep, but I was a little nervous about the whole experience seeing as how I'd never done it before. I shut my door and was able to sleep for a few hours. Then the WEIRDEST THING EVER happened...
I had a dream that someone was watching me. I saw the man in my dream and he kept staring at me and making me feel really uncomfortable. I had never seen this man before. It was one of those dreams where I woke up and took a huge gasp of air and realized that I had been tensing my muscles in my sleep because I felt paralyzed. It took me a minute to realize where in the world I was! Well, after that it was impossible to fall back asleep so I just laid there listening to my ipod. Well, I heard the door to my room open and when I turned over to look.....IT WAS THE EXACT SAME MAN FROM MY DREAM PEERING INTO MY ROOM!!!!!!!!!! I am so not even kidding! And, I promise I had not seen him on the train either. Well, when he realized I was awake he came into my room and asked for my passport. When I handed it to him he came all the way in the room, shut the door, and sat on the bed across from mine. You can imagine how incredibly uncomfortable I was in that moment! I mean, is this normal?! No...especially since I found out later that I could have locked the door! Dangit! Anyway, he sat in there for a few minutes and tried to make small talk...which consisted of "why are you here?" "are you in moldova alone?" "are you single?" "where are your friends now?" As he was leaving he said that he would be in room #2 and if I needed anything that I must come to him. Gee thanks buddy! I never saw him again the whole trip. Freaky!!!
Another thing that apparently happens on trains is that when you switch countries you also must switch the wheels on the train because the tracks are different sizes! So at about 4am I feel and hear this loud bang and was almost forced off the bed. I felt the train being lifted off the track then lowered back down. It got interesting when my door swung open (again) and this man comes waltzing in there, whips up the rug on the floor, pulls back this big hunk of metal exposing this huge hole in the floor, and pulls out this nuclear weapon looking type metal rod thing! He leaves it laying on my floor and walks away leaving the door open. Um, ok. It's not like I'm trying to sleep or anything! Then about 30 minutes later he comes back and puts everything back in it's place! Ha. This whole process took like an hour. I managed to arrive safely in Chisinau and got home to a warm shower and a warm bed! It was glorious!
Here are my favorite pictures from the day...
Later that day, I found out that not only did we have that day off but that the office would be closed for the following two weeks. Well...awesome! An unplanned vacation. I can live with this. My teammate Rafael and I decided that we would take advantage of this time and take a quick trip to Bucharest, Romania and Sofia, Bulgaria. So, the following Tuesday (Jan. 4) we took a bus all night to Bucharest. Upon arriving (Wednesday morning) we would go and buy train tickets for Sofia. The plan was to spend Wed. in Bucharest, travel by train to Sofia Wed. night, arrive in Sofia Thursday morning, spend the day in Sofia, travel back to Bucharest Thursday night, then travel back to Chisinau Friday morning...all so that I could be back by Friday night to teach my Bible study.
Ok, so we get to Bucharest and then find out that there is no way to get to Sofia (or anywhere else for that matter) and be back in Chisinau by Friday. Well, that stinks for me. My trip turned into spending Wednesday in Bucharest then hopping on a train Wed. night to come back home while Rafael got to travel on to Budapest! Grr!! Then, when I got back home I found out that I had to cancel my Bible study anyway because most of the girls were gone. Hmmf! Oh well. Such is life.
Bucharest was amazing! I loved the city and everything that I saw there. At times I would think I was in London or Paris or something. We just walked around all day looking at all the buildings and everything we could possibly see in one day. The Parliament building was incredible. I have never seen anything so massive. The picture definitely doesn't do it justice. Also, as we were walking I saw a random sign for a HARD ROCK CAFE!! I was so excited! We sat in there for like an hour because 1. it was warm and 2. they were playing 80's and 90's English music videos! It was a very good day.
I've never traveled to another country over here except Moldova so I wasn't sure about the process at the border. Going to Bucharest we took a bus. The choice of entertainment was interesting. The driver put on some tv series that reminded me of a Russian version of 24 or something. It was on for the entire 9 hour ride. When we got to the border the control people came in and took all of our passports. We waited for about 30 minutes then got them back and went on our way. I couldn't believe how easy it was. Then I realized that was the Moldovan part. We went about 200 meters and then stopped again for the Romanian border control. They came and took our passports again and then we are all told that we have to get off the bus. For the next 3 hours they proceed to search every nook of that bus. Walls, seats, compartments, under the bus, the spare tire, everything! Did I mention that we arrived at the border about midnight?! I wasn't exactly a happy camper at this point but adventure is what I wanted.
Come back to Chisinau I took a train alone. It left Bucharest at 7pm and arrived in Chisinau a little after 9am the next day. Well, first of all, I had no idea how trains work! I asked someone to show me where I which car I was supposed to be on and they spouted off this incredibly fast Romanian and I just acted like I knew exactly what they were talking about. So, I get on a car that has a number one on it because, logically, my ticket said "car 1" on it. It also said "seat 61" so I go looking through all the rooms and just happen to spot one with a big 61 above it. The room had 6 seats in it and you could close the door to have privacy. I was praying that I would be alone in there but no such luck. This older man came in and I tried to start a conversation with him in Romanian but after using up my entire vocabulary in about 10 seconds, I was out of things to say. Awkward silence. After we left the station, a man (who looked just like Bellick from Prison Break) came to check our tickets. He looked at my ticket, looked at me, and said "Nu aici" (Not Here!). So I asked where I was supposed to go and he starts talking 1000 miles a minute and it sounds like he's yelling. The other man in the car with me tried to explain it with hand motions and all I gathered was that I was on the wrong car and at the first stop I would have to get off and get on the right one. So that happened and then I finally was led to my correct room. This room had 4 small beds in it and I was alone! Immediately I tried to go to sleep, but I was a little nervous about the whole experience seeing as how I'd never done it before. I shut my door and was able to sleep for a few hours. Then the WEIRDEST THING EVER happened...
I had a dream that someone was watching me. I saw the man in my dream and he kept staring at me and making me feel really uncomfortable. I had never seen this man before. It was one of those dreams where I woke up and took a huge gasp of air and realized that I had been tensing my muscles in my sleep because I felt paralyzed. It took me a minute to realize where in the world I was! Well, after that it was impossible to fall back asleep so I just laid there listening to my ipod. Well, I heard the door to my room open and when I turned over to look.....IT WAS THE EXACT SAME MAN FROM MY DREAM PEERING INTO MY ROOM!!!!!!!!!! I am so not even kidding! And, I promise I had not seen him on the train either. Well, when he realized I was awake he came into my room and asked for my passport. When I handed it to him he came all the way in the room, shut the door, and sat on the bed across from mine. You can imagine how incredibly uncomfortable I was in that moment! I mean, is this normal?! No...especially since I found out later that I could have locked the door! Dangit! Anyway, he sat in there for a few minutes and tried to make small talk...which consisted of "why are you here?" "are you in moldova alone?" "are you single?" "where are your friends now?" As he was leaving he said that he would be in room #2 and if I needed anything that I must come to him. Gee thanks buddy! I never saw him again the whole trip. Freaky!!!
Another thing that apparently happens on trains is that when you switch countries you also must switch the wheels on the train because the tracks are different sizes! So at about 4am I feel and hear this loud bang and was almost forced off the bed. I felt the train being lifted off the track then lowered back down. It got interesting when my door swung open (again) and this man comes waltzing in there, whips up the rug on the floor, pulls back this big hunk of metal exposing this huge hole in the floor, and pulls out this nuclear weapon looking type metal rod thing! He leaves it laying on my floor and walks away leaving the door open. Um, ok. It's not like I'm trying to sleep or anything! Then about 30 minutes later he comes back and puts everything back in it's place! Ha. This whole process took like an hour. I managed to arrive safely in Chisinau and got home to a warm shower and a warm bed! It was glorious!
Here are my favorite pictures from the day...
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