The Battle I Am Losing

Just to warn: this is one of those 'real' and 'vulnerable' posts. If you want, proceed.

Some people are blessed with the ability to learn languages quickly and with minimal effort. Others are not. I definitely fall into the latter category...to the point where I just feel stupid. Many people ask me what the biggest challenge is about serving overseas and without hesitation I say 'seeing your ministry and presence as effective and needed without being able to communicate with people on a heart level' (or in my case, without being able to communicate with people on a surface level!). During the first half of my year here in Moldova I had a high level of grace for myself. I knew that I would not understand the language in one day or with one lesson. I didn't have the expectation that I would quickly become fluent, but tried to keep my expectations realistic. Sure, there were major struggles and battles, and I found myself in some pretty uncomfortable situations, but in the back of my mind I still justified that one day the language would make sense. I thought for sure that by the end of the year I would be speaking.

You would think that after 9 months I would be able to have at least a basic conversation or understand a basic conversation. Sadly, this is not the case. For 7 weeks this summer I had American people living with me so I found myself immersed back into English. I didn't realize the effect it had on me until after everyone was gone and, again, it was just me trying to survive alone in a place where I can't speak or understand. To me there is a difference in knowing the survival phrases (i.e. "I don't understand," "My name is," "Thank You," "Please," etc.) and conversing with someone. I love to listen. I love to talk. I love to learn about people. A language barrier obviously prohibits this. And it really hurts my heart.

One day last week I reached a point where I just let the enemy win. I was with a group of friends and we were having a great time. During the course of the night I could feel my attitude shifting from bubbly/happy to irritated/isolated. At first I didn't think much about it...I thought I was just getting tired. Then it hit me. After being the cause of having to restart a game because I didn't understand and messed it up, and after listening to everyone laugh at jokes that I couldn't understand I just wanted to crawl under a rock and scream. Not because I was mad at my friends, but because I was mad at myself. At church recently I found myself so bitter because I so desperately wanted/needed to sing and worship in English because I wanted that connection. I just wanted to understand the words that God had impressed upon the pastor. And again, lost.

-Let me pause and say that I am vastly and eternally grateful for those who serve by translating at any time for me. Because of you I haven't completely lost my mind :) If you are one of those people and you are reading this, my intention is not to make you feel like you are not good or effective. Trust me, you are both wonderful and treasured. Thank you. I understand that it is a sacrifice and I do not take you for granted.-

All week I have felt so alienated, insecure, and alone. I have been questioning the point of being here and if anything at all that I have been doing has been effective. Then, God reminded me of a similar fear I had 7 years ago before I came to Moldova for the first time. I remember praying "But God, how can we be effective if we can't speak the language?" He faithfully showed me Exodus 4:11-12. Moses is saying to God that he is not eloquent in his speech and that surely there is someone better to do the job God is asking him to do. God's response: "Who made man's mouth?....Is it not I, the Lord? Now go and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you should speak." The command here is to go, or to be obedient to his call. God had already equipped him for greatness, but He would continue teaching him and guiding him...at the right time. God has also spoken to me through the story of Gideon in Judges 6 recently. When the angel appears to him and tells him that God has chosen him to save Israel, Gideon has trouble believing this. His circumstances tempted him to take His eyes off the promises of God. I love what the angel says back to him. He says "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Is it not I [the Lord] that's sending you?" Gideon didn't need anything extra to complete his task. He just needed to be obedient. The strength he had was enough. God doesn't just provide what we lack, but he equips us entirely.

So yes, I still wish that I could understand and speak Romanian and/or Russian. Nothing would make me happier than connecting with people here on a deeper level, a heart level. But I have to trust that God will give me the words to say when I need to say them and the understanding when I need to understand. He's the same yesterday, today, and forever...faithful, sovereign, and loving.