One of my favorite songs is by Silers Bald. The best/most challenging part of the song when she sings
So instead of trying to repay You
I'm learning to simply obey You
By giving up my life to You
For all that You've given to me
When we surrender our lives to Christ we recognize that 1. He WILL call us to join His mission 2. He WILL require sacrifice and 3. We will have to CHOOSE our response. It's either obedience of disobedience. There's no in between. When I felt God leading me to spend a year in Moldova, I will be honest and say that I was very excited, but also very hesitant. I wanted to come here and I wanted to serve and invest here. But one of my first thoughts was my grandma. She had just turned 92 years old. Now, she was by far the most healthy 92 year old woman I have ever met in my life, but she was still 92! I thought to myself about what I would do if she were to die while I was on the field. That thought haunted me. It affected my decision many times. I remember a very honest, heartfelt conversation with God one night where I spoke these words to Him: "If you tell me before I leave that my grandma will not be here when I return home from Moldova, I probably will not go." Each month prior to leaving I wrestled with this, spending as much intentional time with grandma as I could, but still not accepting the possible reality that she could pass away. Finally, it came down to obedience or disobedience. I knew I had to choose one or the other. And for me, there is just no way that I can intentionally disobey a clear, direct command from the One who sacrificed everything, and joyfully and willingly obeyed His command to die for me. So, when I said goodbye to my grandma face to face in November I prayed that it would not be the last time I saw her but knew that was one sacrifice that I joyfully had to make.
Because everything related to her stroke(s) happened so quickly I was not able to make it home in time before the Lord brought her into His presence. I would have to write an entirely new blog post about the emotional turmoil and despair I felt during those two weeks being thousands of miles away. I am so grateful, however, that I was able to speak to and SEE my grandma almost every day she was in the hospital through skype. When she went back to her nursing home I was only able to speak with her once. But, on the day that she passed away God, in His gracious nature, allowed my sister to find a wireless signal in my grandma's room. For a few minutes I was able to 'be' with my family and was able to see my sweet grandma resting peacefully, and as I like to believe, counting down the seconds until she met her Savior face to face. Thankfully, I was able to obtain my living permit in time to leave Moldova and be home for her funeral.
So, since I was not able to be there before she made it Home, I figured I could just share my thoughts with her here.
Dear Grandma,
More than anything, I wish that you could be here to wipe these crocodile tears off my face. I know, however, after hearing from your Creator those beautiful words "Well done, my good and faithful servant" you are right where you want to be.
When I think about my first memories in life you are there. I am sitting in your bed with you under the covers reading book after book. You let me tell the stories in my own way based on my interpretations of the pictures. When I was learning to read you helped me and taught me tricks to help me remember certain words. I also see you letting me ride with you to the bread store and singing silly kids songs with me in the car. I see you putting that same puzzle of the United States together with me multiple times in the day and then teaching me every state capital. I see you proudly showing off your grandkids at your church and all the old ladies telling me what an outstanding grandmother I had. Boy were they right. Today when I think of you, I love to picture you doing the Chicken Dance and the YMCA and laughing so hard at yourself that you would cry. I find myself in situations where I know your only response would be "Aww Shuh!" I wonder where I'm going to get my supply of stamps from with you not here to beast everyone in BINGO.
As I grew up, I quickly realized that I desired to be a woman of integrity just like you. I never in my life can recall a time when you were rude, disrespectful, or malicious against anyone. From you I learned at a very early age that humility, honor, and grace are attributes that make you like Christ. I know that because you were human you were sinful and that your inherent nature separated you from Christ, until He redeemed you and you surrendered your life to Him. But, to me, you were perfect. You made me feel loved, encouraged, supported, and challenged without even trying.
People ask me if I'm confident that you had a relationship with Jesus. You know how I'm sure? Because you possessed
Love - Every person who knew you felt your love. You made people feel special.
Joy - In every situation you saw good. You always said that we shouldn't waste time feeling sad about things that we can't change.
Peace - Even through anxiety you knew Who the source of peace came from. You conveyed that to me many times when I felt troubled. You displayed it when you survived two different types of cancer and two major surgeries later in your life.
Patience - I could write a book about your patience. I can recall countless hours of waiting at hospitals or doctors' offices, etc and you never once complained. Aside from that, you always put others first even if that meant you getting the shaft.
Kindness - I think winning "Resident of the Year" at Still Hopes speaks for this. Your love for God and His people manifested itself in the way you treated others. You honored Christ by honoring those around you.
Goodness - We now have a lifetime supply of peanut butter packets and crackers thanks to you. You always thought of us and others first.
Gentleness - Your quiet, meek, beautiful spirit is something that I aspire to have. I miss you casually and quietly grabbing my hand and just rubbing it.
Faithfulness - You were the most faithful wife, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, aunt, friend, teacher, and child of God.
Self-Control - You lived a full, healthy life because you took care of yourself from childhood to youth to adulthood. I will never forget you telling me so many times that everything we have is a result of the choices we make. Don't spend time getting caught up on things out of your control.
Grandma, I'm sorry that I was not with you in your final days here. I take joy and delight in knowing that our final words to each other were 'I love you.' I would give anything to change what happened and be home with you but as you so beautifully and selflessly said to me, 'you have to be where God tells you to be.' I feel like I still have way too much to learn from you. I praise God that He sanctified you and clothed you in His righteousness. You were a living, breathing, walking example of who Jesus is. I smile knowing that you are reunited with so many saints who have gone before you...mainly your husband (granddaddy) and my dad. I hope you can tell him about his daughter. Above all, you are now and forever will be face to face with God Almighty! How I long for the day to be where you are.
There is a massive hole in our family and in our hearts. Christ is our supply and He is our strength, but that doesn't mean that you are not terribly missed every day. You left us a legacy that is timeless. I pray that I could even be a fraction of the woman you were. I am so proud that you were MY grandma! I love and adore you more than I could ever say.
