Before I left to go home for Grandma's funeral I was definitely facing some culture shock issues. To be honest, when I left for home a part of me wondered if I would want to return. I was quite pleased when I had the feeling of urgency to return to Moldova and resume life here. I thought that maybe that meant the whole "culture shock" phase was over and everything would be flawless in life and ministry in Moldova. Wishful thinking!
A few short days after returning (mid-February) I found myself in two very unsettling and uncomfortable situations (both in the same night). One was a little less frightening than the other, but I consider it the catalyst to my reaction of the second. The details of what happened are not important, but I feel like my entire personality changed throughout the month after. I became increasing reluctant to leave my apartment due to paranoia and traveling alone (on foot or on public transportation) would trigger small panic attacks. For a few weeks I felt like the worst person on the planet. Here I am trying to be an effective missionary and I'm letting my anxiety control me. After talking with my supervisors and a few close friends here we came up with some practical solutions to help me combat this attack from the enemy.
The most significant change happened yesterday. My pastor and his family have been wanting to live closer to the CCI office and a friend of theirs approached them a few weeks ago asking if they would want to live in their house while they are gone for a year or so. Their house is in Budesti, which is where our office is. The same weekend I was asking my pastor the average cost of a flat in Ciocana (the district closest to my church and office). The next day he told me that they were going to move into the house of their friend and asked me if I would want to rent his flat! So, now I live in Ciocana and I'm close enough to walk to and from church and will only have to ride 1 rutiera to get to the office! I can absolutely see God's hand orchestrating all of this to happen and I'm so grateful. I am very sad though that I do not live with Veronica anymore. That girl is a gift and I am so thankful for her and her friendship!
Emotionally I feel much better. I still struggle with going places alone but I choose to do it. All my life I have believed the reality that you can't control your anxiety. It's just something you live with. That's twisted. I can choose to not let it control and rule my life. And that's what I have to do. My time here will be wasted if I live in fear. After all, at the name of Jesus fear and anxiety have no place in my life.
Now, if only I would believe this every second of every day.
Welcome to my journey....
1 comment:
We must talk...I am missing my friend! I am happy that you are closer to church. Love you!
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