I wish I could put the devil in a headlock...

When I read in Scripture "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour," I think I heed the warning to some degree but not as I should. I try to consume my life with loving the Lord and serving Him that I easily forget that the enemy is at work just as much. I don't want this post to be a contradiction to my previous post about being thankful, because truly I am. What I want to confess is just the importance of being aware of the enemy. I know the devil is real. I've seen effects and evidence of his work. In the last week and a half or so I have not been on my guard at all. I recognize this feeling. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and I have to figure out a way to crawl back up to the top (because let's face it, I'm not the girl from The Ring. I can't climb wells! Although, I think I might know who that girl is in real life! haha). When I can't recognize the work of the enemy it makes me begin to question things about the Lord. And, it's not until I get in this position that I see what's happening and then have to figure out a way to get up, kick the devil in his man business, repent, and repair wounds.

Last week was a really tough week. I didn't understand why. Nothing in particular had happened to cause me to feel down, but I did. I still do. I feel like every insecurity I have is being exposed and mocked. I pray one thing and hear something completely different which causes a huge complex. For example:

I pray: God, I desperately want to serve you by serving the people in the city North Augusta. Please help me to love them.
I hear: These people don't care about you. You are not and will never be in the North Augusta clique. They don't need your love. They love themselves enough.

I pray: God, my greatest desire just second to loving and serving you is being a wife and a mother. I want to be able to serve my own family. I want to adopt kids. I want to serve you with a husband.
I hear: You're 24 and there's never been anyone interested in you. Do you really think that will change? Don't waste your time falling for someone because they will always fall for someone else.

I pray: God, please help me to be creative, efficient, and effective in my job and position of ministry at FBC.
I hear: If you can't even get a copier to work right for you, how do you expect to fix a student who needs help? You'll always just be a secretary.

I pray: God, I need guidance and direction in regards to Moldova. Do I go? Do I stay?
I hear: You think you can really make it living on your own in another country? A place where you don't speak the language, a place where the culture is completely different from what you know? You've screwed up a lot of things just living on your own in America.

These are just a few examples of what constantly goes through my head when I'm not surrounding myself with the Lord's protection. I am so vulnerable to Satan and I allow him to seep into my life so much. Lately, I have had to meditate on my life verse which says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am challenging myself to be more self-controlled and alert. Insecurity has always been an issue for me, but in recognizing that, I need to be more aware of the enemy's attack on my insecurities. Sorry if you read this! I just needed to write it out and it's my blog...so, I think I'm allowed!